Thoughts Entering Into 2010

January 5th, 2010

As I enter into the new year, I can’t help but to look back on the year prior and the changes that I’ve made in my life.  Most everything today is better than it was entering into 2009, which I honestly cannot complain about.  I finally started on something that I put off for several years (college), I’ve worked to change my attitude and my outlook towards life, and I honestly look forward to what lies ahead of me in the next year as I move to a new part of the world.

I think of some of the wise words that others have spoken and how they relate to my life today.  Words such as those Shinedown lead singer Brent Smith once spoke before singing Second Chance, about everyone deserving a second chance at life.  I am living mine, because of the changes I made upon the realization of how destructive to myself my attitude and actions once were.  Nothing dangerous, just me being stupid and not caring about anything in my life.  Now that I feel as though I’ve found my heart again, things have gotten better for me, and I’m sure those who surround me would think being around me is much more tolerable these days.

I think of the words a good friend  once spoke, “you need to have hope.”  I won’t lie; at the time, all I hoped for was that the day would end and some people would disappear.  Now that I’ve had to face the struggles that the last year has brought, I just hope that everything works out for the best.  Physically, I hope my body holds up long enough for me to do what I want to do with my military career and that it does not force me to hang up my boots before I’m ready.  Emotionally, I hope I’m ready to go forth and experience new things.  I hope that I don’t repeat the mistakes of my past, and that I don’t hurt anyone in the process.

Who knows what 2010 has in store for all of us.  All I know is that I am hell bound and determined to make it the best year of my life.

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A Topless Mountain

October 22nd, 2009

Aside from the feeling you get when someone tells you that if you keep pursuing what you deserve that you’ll have what you enjoy taken from you, there is no worse feeling than when deep down you admit defeat and feel as though you no longer have a reason to fight on for what you want.  Today, I lived that feeling.

21 months… The number of months that have passed since first appearing before the promotion board, and the number of months that have passed with me not being selected for promotion.  After seeing the numbers today, seeing the selections at 0 for all grades in my MOS, seeing the manning percentages, a part of me gave up on continuing to pursue the next grade and the next step in my career.  The way things look, this was my last chance to get promoted while still at Fort Gordon, and I’ll be completely honest, the way the numbers have gone I don’t see things swaying my way before I leave next March.

It’s almost like climbing a mountain that has no top.  No matter how hard you work to climb the mountain and face the obstacles in the way, at the end of the day you’ve essentially made no progress in moving up the mountain.  That’s been my fight for the last year and a half, and continues to be so.

No matter what I do, no matter how much work I put into bettering myself or showing that I can handle the responsibilities of the next grade, I cannot be selected for that grade because of circumstances I cannot control.  And because of that, I will continue to be looked at as someone who can’t lead because he doesn’t have the rank or position to do so.

It’s hard to keep pushing myself to do all that I do while I wear the uniform, because it’s become overly obvious that my efforts are futile.  As I said before, today I admitted defeat, and that feeling absolutely sucks.

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Reflections of a Unique Year

September 11th, 2009

So we’re about 3/4’s of the way through 2009, and I can’t help but to look back on the year I’ve had and how much things have changed for me.  We’re not even through with 2009, and this year has already easily been the most active year of my life.

I finally started the next step of my education in February and including my Army experiences, I’m now about halfway through my Associate’s Degree and that much closer to being the first in my family (as in those who didn’t marry into the family) to have their college degree.

Medically, I don’t know how to feel about myself.  I consider myself lucky to be able to get out of bed each morning and walk on my own accord, something I don’t take for granted because of how things have been for me.  This time last year, I was starting to try to get back into running shape and in doing so managed to injure myself worse, potentially to the point that I will never run more than a mile again in my life, and that sucks to say given my career field and my age.  I’ve had to deal with some quacks at the hospital here who I really don’t think are trying to help me, but I’m stuck with them for now.  The thought still lingers in my mind constantly that at their first diagnosis I was told that I may need surgery to at least stop my pains.  I don’t know how to feel about that at times, or that I still have problems with my foot numbing and lower back being sore, to the point (with both) that there are days I can barely move (it’s hard to walk when you have one foot that’s completely numb making it impossible for you to put weight on it).  I just want to know what the problem is, and sooner than later or before it leaves me permanently crippled.

I made a lot of realizations about myself and my life this year.  In doing so, a lot about me has changed.  I’ve tried to open up more to my friends and tried to not be so cold hearted, and there’s days I feel like everything’s been for the better.  Then again, there are those days where I wonder how things would be if I’d of kept to my “old” self.  It’s not like I was doing anything dangerous, unless you consider living a life of almost complete social isolation dangerous.

With my job, I don’t know how to feel anymore.  I’m stuck in a rut; can’t get promoted and can’t start to transition out of my job because of the dependence placed on me by everyone.  That place has left me stressed beyond anything I’d of imagined three years ago when I found out I got this assignment.  I just have to keep reminding myself that I’ve got 6 months left and I’ll never have to deal with this environment again.  May not go where I wanted to, but I’ll be out of here, and right now that’s exactly what my heart desires.

I’d say that I’ve made the most of the opportunities I’ve had this year and am a better person for it.  The only thing that worries me is how long I can keep this up.  Physically, my body feels like it’s 10-15 years older than I really am and it shows in the way I move most days.  Like I’ve said before;, I don’t know if my next assignment will be the end of the road for me in the military because of my physical condition.  No matter what happens though, it’s definitely been one hell of a trip and I’d never give any of it up to change anything.

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The Fire Fades

September 4th, 2009

It’s not often that I have feelings of doubt, but when I do, their strength manages to overcome me mentally.  This week has been one of those times.

At the beginning of last week, I found out my assignment had been adjusted to Ft. Bliss, TX, instead of Germany.  I know why; because the unit I was slotted against relocated.  Got it, but that’s not stopping me from trying to get what I want, which is a tour in Germany, and so far at least I’ve found the right people to make the argument towards.

The one that’s really eating away at me right now is my whole promotion situation.  I’ve been on the list since February 2008.  I’ve come as close as missing cut-off by 5 points, but for those 19 months I’ve been unable to be picked up.  In that same time, I’ve watch so many others go from being junior to me to now being the junior leadership of this unit.  Hell, I watched someone pin SGT for the 2nd time since we’ve both been here, and I’ve been in the same spot for 19 months.  I know promotions suck in my MOS, got it.  But it seems like everytime I make the fight to get picked up, I hit a brick wall.  Happened again this week.

Through human error, I’m now in a spot that I can’t under good conscience submit my updated points because the number’s too high (i.e. not what I’ve rightfully earned or should be entitled to based on what I’ve done).  If the cutoff scores for October 1 promotions ends up in an 11 point range, I’ll miss being promoted because of that error.  Oh, and even though we can fix the error when everyone comes back from their weekend on Tuesday, since it takes 24 hours for the promotion system to update after they make the change and everything’s due for consideration by the 8th on each month (this Tuesday), I’m screwed there.  So do I knowingly validate and submit a false score that could potentially get me picked up in a range I should be able to be based on the documents I submitted yet leave me in a spot where I could be wrongly selected for promotion?

Like I said before, I’m having feelings of doubt.  Part of me is doubting whether or not physically my body would be able to endure the demands of what my current projected assignment would expect of me, which would almost undoubtedly include a year in the sandbox.  Part of me is doubting whether or not my heart will allow me to continue in this career field, meaning the stint at Texas could be the end of my wearing the uniform.  Part of me is doubting whether or not my best is even good enough anymore, since I’ve done nothing but give my best and I’ve gotten nothing.

This is all I know, and to be perfectly honest if this ride ended tomorrow I could hold my head high knowing I’ve done things that others only dream or speak of doing, yet I’d leave upset knowing I didn’t go out on my own terms or accomplish everything I desire to.  And it’s that thought that’s been lingering on my mind since January when a bunch of doctors who still can’t figure out what’s wrong with me told me that I could potentially need a surgery that would end my career.  It’s that same thought that’s got me sitting here in Augusta now and Kat overseas.  It’s that same thought that became a focus at my re-enlistment.  It’s that same thought that comes to mind everyday, making me realize that I’m practically on borrowed time.

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New Again

August 30th, 2009

A part of me feels as though something is missing at times.  Over the last couple years, the amount of writing about my life, surroundings, and observations, has drastically decreased.  So, in this “new” home, hopefully I can pick up on that again.

For those who’ve never read one of my rants, ramblings, or any other term you could use to describe them, I do have to caution you now.  I’m known to be harsh in my writings and often say whatever it is that comes to mind without any sort of censoring action on my part.  If you find yourself to be weak at heart or cannot stand someone who writes with harsh words or questions your beliefs, I suggest this be the only post that you read.

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